REJECTION

If you’ve never experienced rejection, I’m not sure whether to envy you or feel sorry for you. Same applies if you don’t know what it is.

Rejection sucks, regardless of where it comes from, be it an ex, a stranger, an employer, customers, peers, or even an animal. It’s the feeling that you’re not good enough I think, that really stings when it’s thrown in your face; and it really can

feel like it’s been thrown in your face even when done nicely. And because the sense of inferiority and ‘not good enough’ are practically next door neighbors, rejection is guaranteed to turn your internal chemistry sour; sadness, shame, depression, stress and anxiety, grief, at least for those of novice exposure. For those of us who have been slapped across the face by this experience, have learnt to deal with it and maybe even live with it as an inescapable part of reality. One is forced to build a callus after a certain number of rejections which like we say in Kenya, ‘Ni character development’.

With that being said, it would seem that only the gurus of the world, have learnt to completely remove themselves from the feelings that come from any kind of rejection. Because even for those of us who have toughened up from exposure, there are still moments that hurt so bad they subconsciously transport us back to those traumatic childhood memories, of the first time it all happened.

For me personally, the one rejection that has hurt the most has been the rejections from the job market. Now, I was able to secure a great part-time gig at a very reputable institution, but it certainly isn’t all I can be. And to make it worse, I have to deal with the constant rejection from the job market, despite being an A/B student with more than 10 years experience as an intern; I started early. It’s like, what’s the point of trying? And to top it up, I have to watch as many of my friends take over family businesses that give them a sense of financial security. The constant reminder that I’m not good enough despite all my efforts to be above average. And I know there are too many Kenyan youth who can relate to this.
  

        With that being said, like I said earlier, I don’t know whether to envy or feel sorry for anybody who hasn’t experienced rejection. Get enough doors closed on you and you start to develop a thick skin. The more it happens to you, the less it bothers you and the more you look to yourself for that sense of security. Come to think of it, have you ever heard of a genuine success story that didn’t include some degree of rejection?

              No, no I haven’t. It’s the stuff the greats are made of. Without it why would you push yourself beyond what is expected of you?

                 Without it, why would you look within yourself and come face to face with that burning desire to prove that you are so much more than an average, disregard. Without rejection, how can you ever be great?
                That pain that gives you sleepless nights creates the kind of suffering that can either push you to do hard things and create value, or break you to the point of giving up on life, the choice is always yours.

              On that note, let’s touch on the more sinister form of rejection. Or rather, why people may have an unhealthy reaction to it. Psychology says, from the time we are born, there are various stages of development throughout a person’s life, where certain needs must be met, and certain milestones overcome. For example, according to Erick Erickson, the first stage which occurs from the time we are born to the time we are 18 months old, a child is vulnerable in the world, and depends entirely on their parents for their needs, and the child will shape their views about the world depending on what kind of parents they have. Depending on how well the parent/s provides for their child at this stage, they may either develop a view of trust for the world, or mistrust.

The way we interact with our caregivers, can also affect our attachment styles. People who have interacted with their caregivers in a healthy way develop secure attachment styles, versus those who haven’t and develop insecure attachment styles (Jeon, 2022). This means they may think of themselves as unlovable and hence have a more dramatic reaction to rejection, which can even lead to trauma.

Why does rejection have such an effect on us?

 

Theory suggests that it goes all the way back to ancient times when the first humans roamed the planes of Africa, when we needed to stick to groups for our survival. It was these groups that protected us from the harshness of the natural world; lions, snakes etc. During those times, rejection from the group meant death, which is something that has probably been neurologically passed down the generations that survived. It is a very deep thing, neurologically rejection means death, it is subconscious.

However, this doesn’t need to be the case. With the right interventions and education, your therapist can teach you how to unlearn these deep associations of rejection to death, and how to deal with it in healthy ways, despite your childhood experiences and perceptions of yourself.

By – Simon Karanja