SHAME

          Shame is one of those emotions that we are all familiar with; at least I hope. However, many of us don’t realize that it is sometimes an emotion we can experience without being fully aware of it.

Why do we experience shame? the literature says it is introduced to us in our youth as a means of regulating inappropriate social behavor. It is normal for communities to have sets of behaviors that they deem inappropriate or unacceptable within that community, perhaps because that group of people find those behaviours dysfunctional. In order to get the group to adhere to these rules, those who do not behave in a manner that is expected of them, they may be made to feel shame, an attempt to get the individual to reevaluate themselve as a part of a larger group.

Parents tend to use shame to help teach their children which behaviors are socially acceptable and which aren’t.

           Now, a little shame is good for a society, could you imagine living in a shameless society? It’s bad enough when a group of people have very little shame; there would be no boundaries for behavior, a dreadful thought. When parents use shame to teach their children about inappropriate behavior, it is always important to remember not to use excessive shaming, because this can have negative long lasting effects. Take for example a child who soils their pants during their developmental years, if the parents do not react by shaming the child, the child may develop into a shameless and messy person. If the parents on the other hand react too harshly and scold the child angrily, they may develop an oversensitivity or a crippling fear of making mistakes, while the parent who looks at their child disapprovingly but then affectionately ecourages the child clean up and do better next time, may have a child who successfully develops into a confident functional member of society.
          Our experiences with shame in our youth can have long lasting effects that haunt us into our late adulthood. It is important to also note, although shame and guilt can sometimes feel the same, they are not the same thing. With experiences of shame, a person is left feeling like they are a bad person, while with guilt the person is left feeling like they have done a bad thing. In this light, we can see that shame is a far more personal feeling that guilt, where shame is internal, while guilt is concerned with something external. This means that shame can be a far more complicated emotion to deal with, and that is why if you have any suspicion that you or someone you know may be dealing with feelings of shame, should seek professional help.

              While we are familiar with the feeling of shame, the feeling that we are not good enough, what many of us don’t realize is that there are several different types of shame. According to Cuncic (2021) these different types of shame include transient shame which is the fleeting feeling one gets when they make a mistake in a social situation, something that quickly passes and doesn’t create problems in life. Chronic shame which is a polar opposite, a feeling that lives with you all the time and makes you feel as though you are not good enough, and can impair functioning and mental health. Shame in the form of humiliation, which is the most intense forms of shame, and happens when we are critically embarassed about something, ususally something that happened infront of other people. We can experience shame from defeat, which happens when we experience failure. There is shame around strangers which happens when we find ourselves around strangers and we feel like we are about to be discovered, that the other person is going to discover something wrong with us, better known as social anxiety. There is shame infront of others which is linked to humiliation, shame about performance, shame about the self, shame related to unrequited love, shame related to unwanted exposure, shame related to exclusion. Internalized shame which is expereinced by those who go through childhood abuse and turn shame inward, and may feel unworthy. Healthy shame which causes humility, allows you laugh at yourself and teaches you about bounderies, and allows you to manage how your behavior affects others. And finally there is toxic shame, which is similar to internalized shame in the sense that it involves the notion that there is something inherently wrong with you on the inside, it is part of your core identity rather than a transient state. This toxic shame can have deep rooted affect on the person experiencing it, causing them to try and present a perfect outerself to hide how they feel on the inside.

                  With all these different types of shame there are different categories of responses a person can have to the feelings of shame. Cuncic (2011) cites the book Shame published by Oxford University Press, who identify 4 categories of shame responses. The hot response which involves defensive behaviours such as lashing out in anger or attacking the other person to deflect attention from oneself, classified as an impulsive reaction. Behaviors to cope with or conceal shame, which involve making oneself small and trying to avoid being the center of attention as a means of self-protection. Safety behaviors to avoid shame or being discovered where a person might apologise, cry, or avoid conflict. And finally there are behaviors to repaire shame, which include doing things to soothe yourself or apologising to others to show that you are sorry.
                Shame is no small matter if left unchecked, it can have a significant influence on our social behaviour. As an emotional regulator of human behavior, it can be an emotionally painful experience that breaks a person’s sense of self-worth, triggering dysfunctional patterns of behavior such as low empathy, inability to create and maintain healthy interpersonal relationships, due to out of proportional reactions to situations with anger and open aggressiveness. The hostility may be an attempt to self-defend as an attempt to put the guilt elsewhere, creating an opportunity to recover some sense of control and superiority (Fortes & Ferreira). This can also lead to other complications such as personality disorders, anxiety and depression.

               Imagine how this can all affect intimate relationships. Research shows that anger is in many instances a hot response used to mask shame triggered by intimacy. Golden (2020) describes a couple who were unable to reconcile differences because every time Mr. X shared his feeling behind his anger or disappointment, or his feelings of being ignored and discounted by Mrs. X, she would get irritated and immediately get furious, leave the room and give him the silent treatment. In effect, her shame undermined her capacity to listen and to engage at a deeper level of intimacy. Mrs. X is using her anger to evade feelings of shame essentially undermining the possibility for a more authentic connection.

               Our past experiences, especially as children shape the way we percieve the world, and how we define what is weak, flawed or even defective. If a person has been subject to emotional, physical or sexual abuse, or neglect, these experiences can leave a child confused and overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety, anger, and a sense of betrayal (Golden, 2020). This eventually creates unhealthy cycles of perception and experience involving shame and dysfunction.

               The other problem with shame is that it affects a person’s attitudes towards help-seeking, meaning if a person hasn’t become aware of their need for healing, shame is an iceberg under the waters of our awareness that can continue to quietly create dysfunction. Often victims of shame are funtional members of society who are satisfied with their mental health, however, are unable to be critisized without having an averse reaction to said criticizim, in effect dimishing the possibility for deep healthy relationships.

By – Simon Karanja